One Meandering Labyrinth: June 1, 2007 Journal Excerpt-WAITING IN FEAR

Thursday, July 12, 2007

June 1, 2007 Journal Excerpt-WAITING IN FEAR

I'm finding that now, as I wait for the pathology report, I imagine that every small cramp, muscle spasm or unexplained discomfort may be due to cancer eating away my insides. It's kind of amazing, I never realized before, how much pain and discomfort I ignore, but now I'm noticing every unreleased fart and muscle tic.

I'm struggling to stay present in the here and now.

No comments:

Poetry and other Musings

A Butterfly’s Dream

I long to stretch and open my wings wide-

To fly toward the light of faith and action.

I want to change the world-not only with words,

But with my actions-building houses out of rubble

As well as building peace out of ink.

I long to stretch and open my wings wide-

To fly toward the light of compassion and justice.

I want to change the world by giving solace to the grieving

And embracing the children who are alone.

I long to stretch and open my wings wide-

To fly toward the light of speaking truth to power.

I want to change the world by facing ridicule and danger

As I shake out the apathy from those who turn to gold.

I long to stretch and open my wings wide-

To fly toward the light of the heart of love.

I want to change the world by feeding those who hunger

And healing those who hurt.

I long to stretch and open my wings wide

To fly toward the light of universal good.

I want to change the world one wing beat at a time

And want to walk the walk that I talk.

Women’s Serenity Prayer

Bring me the courage to let go
When I cannot or should not be in control.
Bring me the strength to follow my dreams,
Even when they seem too large.
Bring me the understanding of how to distinguish
Between letting go and giving up.
Bring me the ability to use these skills
To benefit myself and others.

By Salome HawkSong

Baptism

I dreamt that I was asleep in a tree
Her branches gently curled under my body
Rocking me
The wind sang a lullaby
While the moon hummed the harmony.
The Earth Mother cleansed me with a soft warm rain,
Washing away my distress and pain within.
I dreamt that I was asleep in a tree
Her branches gently curled under my body
Rocking me.

By Salome HawkSong

Some of My Favorite Local Places to Eat:

Ribs:

Backyard Barbeque on Hill Rd. Great ribs. Great prices. Locally owned.

Italian Food:
Michaelangelos on the corner of Center and Davison. Awesome pizza. They even grind their own cheese and cut their own pepperoni. They are committed to quality products. Great breadsticks too. I haven't tried their pasta yet.

Salvatore Scalipini- on Miller Road
Italia Gardens-on Miller Rd. & in Davison (awesome house salad & bread. My favorite entree is mostacholi gorgonzola.)

Mexican: (Flint is rich in Mexican food from different parts of Mexico.)
Tia Helitas-on Saginaw Street near Bristol Rd.
Nuevo Vallarta-in Grand Blanc by Center Rd.
Los Quatros Amigos- on Linden Rd.

Middle Eastern:
Taboon-on Linden near Miller (excellent lentil soup & pita bread. Also, their Fatoosh salad is yummy.)
Badawest- on Corunna Rd. (Chicken Schwarma-yum!)

Vegetarian:
Taboon (see note above)
My house- I make a kick butt veggie lasagna

Deli:
Alex’s Market- in Holly, just off the Grange Hall exit from I-75
Fast Eddies?-the café above the Flint Farmer’s Market

Breakfast:
Paul’s Coney Island-on Center Rd. not too far from Meijer. (They have the best cheesecake in town. Their spakikopita is the only restaurant spinach pie that I have found that I like as much as my mom's.)
Sophie’s- in Grand Blanc
My house, especially if I haven’t run out of fair trade coffee

Pizza:
Bob’s Pizza- on Richfield near Genesee (they have amazing breadsticks.)
Luigi’s- on Davison Rd (cracker thin crust)

Michaelangelos- on the corner of Center and Davison Rd.

Burgers:
Starlight-on Center Rd (awesome if eaten there, icky for take-out)
Halo Burger- a local fast food place, found all over the Flint area. This is not just your typical fast food fare, very good burgers and interesting flavored shakes featured each month.

Meat & Potatoes:
Lucky’s Steakhouse-in Fenton and in Davison (their bread is amazing. The smashed potatoes are as good as my own.)
My house (Deb makes an awesome steak dinner)

Variety Menu:
O’Malley’s Galley-in Fenton and in Ortonville (best coconut cream pie ever)
MacFees- in Ortonville (great breadsticks, and most everything else, but the idea of Haggis scares me)

Let me know if there are other locally owned places I should try and list here.

Pontifications to Ponder

ON THE FUTURE:

"Honor the tradition but expand the understanding. That's what religions must do right now if they hope to be helpful to humans in the years ahead."

-Neale Donald Walsch
Tomorrow's God

ON SCIENCE AND THE BIBLE:
"The problem for traditional believers is not that scientists do not understand the origins of the bible, but that scientists uderstand it so thoroughly."
-from an article called "The Second Coming: What if Jesus is Buried in the Galilee?" by Stephen Kiesling ("Spirituality and Health" magazine Nov./Dec. 2008)

ON HEALTHCARE:
"It is inherent inthe art of medicine to appreciate that the testing and medications are of limited usefulness without the talking."
-From How We Die by Sherwin B. Nuland

ON QUESTIONING:
"Wisdom begins in wonder."
-Socrates

ON OUR STORY:
"The evolutionary story of Homo sapiens is really the biological autobiography of all of us."
-from Introduction to Physical Anthropology by Jurmain et. al.

ON RATS:
"Not forgiving is like drinking rat poison and then waiting for the rat to die."
-Anne Lamott

ON SUFFERING:
"If you had not suffered as you have, there would be no depth to you, as a human being, no humility, no compassion."
-Eckhart Tolle

ON WORDS:
"Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment."
-Benjamin Franklin

ON RANDOM KINDNESS:
"Random acts of kindness bring out the serendipity in our souls. If you believe the universe has chaotic order, you will find immense pleasure in random acts of kindness. When you do something on a whim, you may be the luck, the answer to a prayer, the wish granted in someone else's day."
-Julie Peterson, in an article entitled "Give and Live the Gift of Kindness", found in the magazine called "Natural Awakenings" February 2009 issue.

ON HELPING OTHERS:
"Do all the good you can. By all the means you can. In all the ways you can. In all the places you can. At all the times you can. As long as ever you can."
-John Wesley

ON ABUNDANCE:
"So long as there is enough for today, there is no such thing as scarcity. There is only abundance."
-From Big Christianity by Jan G. Linn

ON THE ENVIRONMENT:
"The fault does not lie in the human ability to make progress while preserving the integrity of land, water, and air. The problem is an absence of will to do so."
-From Big Christianity by Jan G. Linn

ON THE GOLDEN RULE:
"The remarkable thing is that we really love our neighbor as ourselves: we do unto others as we do unto ourselves. We hate others when we hate ourselves. We are tolerant toward others when we tolerate ourselves. We forgive others when we forgive ourselves. We are prone to sacrifice others when we are ready to sacrifice ourselves."
- Eric Hoffer

ON THE TAO:
"Nonaction does not mean nothing doing. Let everything do what it does, and then its nature will be satisfied."
-Guo Xiang

ON HEAVEN:
"When one puts his heart into something, he is able to understand his own nature. When one is able to understand his own nature, he is able to understand heaven."
_Mencius, chinese philosopher

ON THE WEB OF LIFE:
"What makes oak trees distinct from humans isn't differences in the DNA material itself, but differences in how that material is arranged."
-From Introduction to Physical Anthropology by Jurmain et al.

ON YEARNING:
"If we ever understood the genuine desires of our hearts at any given moment, we might reconsider the things we waste our energy pining for."
-Malidoma Patrice Some

ON THE ORIGIN OF A SPECIES:
"What came first, the chicken or the egg? A lot of people see this question as rhetorical and/or unanswerabele. I have never had a doubt about the answer, even from the first time I heard it at around age 4 or 5. I never have understood why this question is considered unanswerable. The difinitive, no doubt about it answer is, of course: The EGG! Duh! Dinosaurs laid eggs long before any chickens were hatched, or even thought of in the evolutionary scheme of things. (Okay, maybe thought of, but not yet perfected in all of their clucking glory.)
-from memories of the early brain of Aimee Loubert

ON ART:
"Through art, the aesthetic, emotional, sensory, and intellectual dimensions of life can come together and be mixed in fresh ways."
-From "Saving Paradise" by Rita Nakashima Brock and Rebecca Ann Parker

ON ILLNESS:
"A sacred illness is one that educates us and alters us from the inside out, provides experiences and therefore knowledge that we could not possibly achieve in any other way."
-Deena Metzger

ON THE LEGAL SYSTEM:
"Authority needs to be challenged if we are to ensure the integrity of the process. It is one of the great truths of our system."
-from Guilty: The Collapse of the Criminal Justice System, by Harold J. Rothwax

ON THE BIBLE:
"The Point of reading the Bible is not to be able to say the Bible is sacred. It is to make our lives sacred."
-from Big Christianity: What's Right with the Religious Left, by Jan G. Linn

aMAZING Family

For those of you who really want to know me, you should meet my family. I'll make introductions based upon age. This section will include my biological family because I'm too tired to write more than that.

Charles-my dad. I already mentioned that he is a musician and singer. I will ask his permission to put a couple of songs on this website for folks to hear and buy if they want to. He cut his first music CD when he was 75 years old. I'm waiting for the next one. I have to tell you one thing that makes me really proud of him is that when he turned 65 years old, his present to himself was to ride his bicycle from San Diego, California to Saint Augustine Florida.

Virginia-my mother. Gave birth to and raised 11 kids and was still sane by the end of her life in 1999. She had a way of knowing which of her kids was calling on the phone, even without caller id. Mom taught us all how to cook, the boys and girls. She taught us that God is everywhere and we can each have a personal relationship with God. As a result, our family has a very wide religious variety despite all being raised in the same religion, Roman Catholic. Mom encouraged us to think for ourselves for the most part and gave us enough credit to know that we wll learn from our mistakes. She taught me to be compassionate in my criticism and to love tomatoes fresh from the garden after being grown in horse poop.

Chuck- My oldest brother. This man has more creativity in his little finger than I have in my brain and hands put together. He is a talented musician, painter and jewelry maker. I'm sure he has other talents that don't jump out at my mind at this time as well. When I was little, one of my favorite things was to listen to him and his friends jam.

Mary- My oldest sister. Mary and I have religious views on the opposite specrum of religious thought. She is a very devout Christian who practices compassion in her life. She just got her nursing degree and certification and I am so proud of her for that. She wants to help to heal the world one person at a time. When Deb's dad was seriously ill in the hospital in Arizona, Mary and her daughter Sarah were such an awesome support system for her. They were there bringing her good food, conversation, and shoulders to lean on. I love and respect both of them for that as well.

Pete- The next one in line. Pete is amazingly smart and very gifted in passing that knowledge along to his college students as well as his family when needed. He once fixed Deb's ankle in 5 or 10 minutes when doctors hadn't done anything for her severe pain for several months. They couldn't figure it out, but the sports medicine guru did. Pete is currently (at age 50something) training to climb Mt. Ranier with his oldest daughter who asked as a graduation present that they do this together. I am so proud of her, I can't tell you how incredible I think this kid is. She is a remarkable human being and I have known that since she was only 5 or 6. I am in awe of Pete for raising such two wonderful girls and being involved in their lives while still maintaining a job as a professor and doing national lecture tours. I don't think I've ever heard him yell at anyone either.

Annette- The next female in our family. I wanted to be just like Annette when I grew up. I always thought that she was beautiful and smart and I loved that our grandma White looked at Annette's baby picture while holding me and thought the picture was of me after comparing all the unique features of nose, eyes, etc. Annette has raised three beautiful, strong, opinionated girls who are now all mama's themselves. Annette is dedicated to her daughters, grandchildren and partner fully. I admire that strength. She is also a very talented quilter.

Paul- The next male in our family. Paul lives up north on a beautiful farm. He did carpentry from the time he was a teenager and he did incredible work. Each house that I saw that he had worked on ended up with it's own unique personality. None of this prefab stuff for him. Just quality work. Because of this incredible dedication to creating beauty and quality in this world, his body is pretty torn up. Now, even though he can still come up with and explain great ideas in concepts for homes, he can no longer do that work. He now works at a lumber yard, helping other poeple continue his tradition of quality in homebuilding. I once asked Paul when I was in Jr. High or High School, why, with a genius IQ and his ability to go anywhere for any degree he wanted to, his response was that he likes to see the fruits of his labor. He liked to see a hole in the ground and a pile of sticks become a beautiful house that a family would enjoy for years. I thought that was a pretty powerful statement. I thought that was an incredible dream, especially since I have a hard time finishing anything.

Marguerite- The middle child. Marguerite amazes me with her ability to hold it together in a crisis. She went through intensive cancer treatments when she was 24 years old and showed up to a costume party dressed as Uncle Fester from the Addams Family. She had one woman convinced that the light bulb in her mouth lit up from all of the radiation she had recieved. Mig has always been the peacemaker and social director of the family. She adopted a very difficult, messed up kid and helped him find his balance as a man and his place as a valuable and valued human being. I don't think many other couples would have been able to hold up to his antics. He is now a very fine young man who thinks choices through usually before just acting impulsively like he used to. She helped to raise another son, Pedro, who recently returned to Detroit to live with his biological grandmother. Mig loves him as if he were her own. She loves him enough to let him go and make sure he knows there is always a place for him in her heart and in her home for him.

Andrew- The first twin. Andy is one of the most generous people that I know. He is also one of the most hot tempered people I know. When Deb's dad had a heart attack in Arizona, And we didn't have money to fly her out, Andy was the first one I called and he really came through for her. He gave her his frequent flier miles, made the reservations in the middle of the night and lent us the extra money that we needed to cover the ticket. Because of him, she was able to help make some vitally important choices about his care. Andy was the first one in my family that was not afraid to talk to me about my being a lesbian and he has been totally accepting of Deb. He and his wife, Martha, are raising three very beautiful and smart kids (whether the kids themselves believe it or not). It amazes me still that they have been speaking Spanish and English side by side from the time they were just learning to speak. What a talent. What a gift. I am so proud to have Andy as a brother because I feel like he can do anything he sets his mind to and I admire that attitude.

Robert-The second twin. Bob is a laid-back genius. He lives up north where he is close to water for canoing and has land on which to enjoy life. Bob can fix just about anything, including nuclear medicine machines. Not many people can do that. Even though Bob had difficulty when I first came out to my family, he seems to really like Deb and that seems to help him cope with my being a dyke. He lives the way I wish I could. Secluded and mostly on his own schedule

Yvette- The oldest of the youngest kids. Yvette sounds just like me on the phone. One day, one of my best friends, Anita called and had a 20-30 minute conversation with her thinking she was me. I was in the room feeding answers to Yvette, but our voices sound so much alike that Anita couldn't tell. For years, even our own mom couldn't tell the difference. Yvette is a special education teacher and I am so proud of her. She was raising two daughters when she decided to go to college. She stuck with it and her husband, Charlie stuck with her and supported her. Yvette loves her students the way I love the kids where I work. That's so important to them.

John- The closest in age to me. While growing up, I adored John, and as any older brother does, he shunned me as much as he could without getting in trouble from mom. John is a very talented woodworker. He is also one of the best fathers I have ever seen. He has been a stay at home dad for most of his children's lives. It takes a special kind of guy to let his wife be the wage earner (a doctor, now ex-wife). It also takes a special kind of guy to have the devotion and patience to parent a borderline autistic child. John's interactions with him were amazing and empowering to his son while still maintaining structure and boundaries. I am so proud of him for the man he has turned out to be despite our earlier head-butting as youngsters.

Aimee- That's me. Our parents saved the best for last. Lucky number 11. Not going to say much here, I've already talked too much about myself on this blog.

Fun Flint Field Trip

I would like to preface this note by saying that I hate to shop. But...

On Tuesdays, one of the things that Deb and I like to do is to go to the Flint Farmers' Market. The Farmers' Market is, for me, one of the highlights of this city.

I like that there are local farmers, artists and businesspeople gathered in one place to offer everything from used books to wine to fresh veggies to turkey sausage and ice cream cones.

Deb and I went yesterday for our fix of brown eggs fresh from the Market. We also stopped at our friend Todd's used book booth, where he has just revamped his whole display area and it lookes awesome. We also got 9 grain bread and ginger cookies from the Great Harvest Bread Company booth. We also stopped at the County Market's meat booth where we always buy our bacon at a great price and get the most delicious bacon in the area.

We didn't go upstairs to the art gallery this time, but we did admire a small display from there that was downstairs. We also didn't visit Thompson Turkey this time, but that is usually one of our priority stops while we are there. We were trying to make it a quick trip because we had things we wanted to get done at home.

If you haven't been to the Flint Farmers' Market lately, I suggest you check it out the next time you are downtown. They have expanded the days they are open, I think just for the summer, but I'm not sure. There is a little bit of everything there. Fresh vegetables, artwork, homemade soap, and fresh baked croissants.

Check out their website if you want more information: http://www.flintfarmersmarket.com/

"Grampa Chooses" by my dad

Hey Everybody,Guess who I chose in the upcoming election?

Been working phones the last two nights at Obama'scampaign headquarters here. People of all ages drop in pledging support by volunteering. Old John Conyers,long time Congressman from Detroit, came to speak in Barack's behalf. Many state and local politicians also expressed their support in strong remarks at the grand opening of the Baltimore campaign office. It was like a football rally or revival meeting! Everybody really fired up.

It's impressive to see so many young people enthusiastically participating in this campaign. Kids in their 20s mostly run this office. Great to see them finally getting excited about politics. That hasn't happened for some years now. Obama inspires people like John Kennedy did. Nobody since Kennedy has aroused such emotions and loyalty from all ages.

Grandkids, get involved! Pick your candidate and actively support him or her as much as you comfortably can. Finally, vote! Many elegible voters, especially the poor have nots of all races, refuse to vote,because, no matter who's President, their plight doesn't change. If the black folks, the hispanics,Asians and Indians got together in favor of one candidate, the country and the world would change for the better. we would be a True Democracy, rather than an Empire ruled by the minority moneyed few. Even if I don'tagree on the candidate you choose, I will certainly support you. Get involved and have fun doing it!

Take care.
Peace and Love,
Grampa

Thursday, July 12, 2007

June 1, 2007 Journal Excerpt-WAITING IN FEAR

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