Last night, I didn't sleep much at all. I was nervous about this morning's surgery to put a mediport in so that I could resume chemotherapy.
A mediport is a thing implanted under the skin in the chest with a tube running into a large vein in the chest. So, the chemo nurses can access it with a needle that is shaped into a 90 degree angle by just poking through the skin. No tubes hanging out of my arm for access and no IVs needing to be started regularly. They should be able to use my port when I get my hysterectamy as well.
When I got to the radiology place this morning, I made sure that they knew that I had a lot of anxiety about the procedure. They made sure I had Morphine and Versaid. I still felt the lidocaine shot, but once that was done, it went fairly well. The first site didn't work, but the second site worked. Now it looks like I have a really bad hickie on my neck where the first attempt was made. I am sore inside and out in that area, where it is swollen from the trauma of the procedure. But, now that the port is in, that is one less area of anxiety.
That is the main source of my anxiety with this whole thing. Just not knowing what the next step is going to be like. Each new thing is scary, but then as it happens, the anxiety eases up.
My anxiety about the internal radiation is still there. But, I know that other women have gone through it. Some have permanent side affects, some only have temporary side effects. So, keeping that in perspective, I'm trying to keep my fear in perspective.
Also helping me to keep my fear in perspective, is a conversation that I had with my sister, Mig, the other day. She reminded me that all these treatments and cancer scary stuff is only temporary. She reminded me that as long as I keep my faith and look past the present that I'll be able to get through all of this.
I also keep reminding myself that what I'm going through is minor compared to what so many of the other people that I'm meeting in waiting rooms and chemo rooms are going through. I know that I can't compare my pain to another's, but I can be grateful for the fact that I have an incredible support system. I can be grateful for the fact that my cancer is most likely in the very early stages. And, ultimately, I can be grateful that I am not going through some of the major complications and multiple battles with cancer.
So, as I peek around the corner toward Friday, I try to keep perspective about what I've already gone through and try to keep my fear to a managable level.
Thank you to all of you who have been so great about showing your support to me through this journey I am on.
Hang in there Aimee. I know it is hard. It would be hard not to have anxiety. I remember Johnnie Erickson, a woman I read a book about when I was a teenage, who had dived into a lake and broke her neck and is now a paraplegic. She said to her everything was hard because she couldn't do anything by herself, but when she heard one of her sisters complain that they broke a finger nail, Johnnie had to remember that to everyone - what they go through is important to them. So you have every right to feel pain, fear, turmoil and anxiety over everything you are going through. Thank goodness it isn't worse, but to you, now, what you have and are going through is bad enough for you. Your experience is just as important! Thinking about you, Chris Monk
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